There’s a very strange event that happens out in the deserts of Reno, Nevada once a year. It’s something I’ve just read about, called “The Burning Man”. Have you heard of this? I think the phrase “strange event” isn’t a strong enough way to describe it.

From what I can tell from the webpage (since I have never been nor will ever go to TBM, so long as my self respect is intact), a crowd of what seems like thousands of people of varying sanity levels gather in the desert for a huge, as they put it, “experiment in temporary community”. The temperature hovers around, oh, 110-degrees. And the landscape? Well, let’s just say you should not be surprised to see a few vehicles from The Road Warrior barrel by you, as you stroll along the desert plain, naked and covered in silver body paint, carrying a pink parasol. Yes, people do that there. Straight people.

Attendees come from all over with whatever matrials they want — popsicle sticks, sheet metal, silly putty, railroad ties, alligator carcasses (scratch that, they said no alligators this year) — and build pretty much whatever they want. From the pictures I’ve seen, there’s also a lot of burning that stuff down later, including the “ceremonial” burning of The Man event on the last day of the weeklong festivities.

So what kinds of festivites are we talking about, you ask? Well, building shit (and burning it). Oh, and walking around and/or riding in the shit you built (and burning it). Oh, and living in that toothpick castle you spent the week building (and then burning it). There’s also a whole gaggle of fun wearing the tunic you made out of solder wire (or just burning it and walking around nude). Then there’s jumping out of planes of course (I bet you thought I’d say burning that, but thankfully, no). Also, of course, what’s a Burning Man without the burning of hefty amounts of pot and the imbibing of vast amounts of varying strengths of alcohol?

If you’ve ever been to The Burning Man, you’re probably reading this and thinking I have no idea what I’m talking about, that I’d have to experience this event for myself before passing judgement. Yeah, that’s probably true, but I’ll take your word for it. And please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t send me any pictures of your experiences at this event. I’ll just have to, you guessed it, set myself on fire.

[UPDATE: It seems I may be able to experience this event myself without having to visit Utah!]

How to have the Burning Man experience from the comfort of your own home

• Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, dance close naked, then say they have a lover back home at the end of the night.
• Tear down your house. Put it in a truck. Drive 10 hours in any direction. Put the house back together. Invite everyone you meet to come over and party. When everyone leaves, follow them back to their homes, drink all their booze, and break things.
• Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.
• Stack all your fans in one corner of your living room. Put on your most fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.
• Pitch your tent next to the wall of speakers in a crowded, noisy club. Go to sleep. Wake up 2 hours later in a 110+ degree tent.
• Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away. Drain all the water from the toilet. Only flush it every 4 days. Hide all the toilet paper.
• Visit a restaurant and pay them to let you alternate lying in the walk-in freezer and sitting in the oven.
• Don’t sleep for 5 days. Take a wide variety of hallucinogenic/emotion altering drugs. Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
• Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body. Forget how you did it. Don’t go to a doctor.
• Buy a new pair of favorite shoes. Throw one shoe away.
• Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect, most outrageous costume. Forget to pack it.
• Listen to music you hate for 168 hours straight, or until you think you are going to scream. Scream. Realize you’ll love the music for the rest of your life.
• Get so drunk you can’t recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the block for 5 hours.
• Sprinkle dirty sand in all your food.
• Mail $200 to the Reno casino of your choice.
• Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali’s more disturbing but beautiful paintings. Climb inside it.
• Spend thousands of dollars on a deeply personal art work. Hide it in a funhouse on the edge of the city. Blow it up.
• Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire. Play a short loop of drum’n'bass until the embers are cold.
• Have a 3 a.m. soul baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile, and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you’re hallucinating.