My mom recently asked me to help her out by writing a character reference for her neighbor (we’ll call him David H) because he was applying for a gun permit. I guess his father had some old guns he wanted to give him, but he couldn’t keep them in his house without the permit.

Anyway, I decided to be a wise ass on my first go at it:

To Whom it May Concern –

I am writing as a character reference for David H, who has been my neighbor for the past 20 years.

There is no reason why Mr. H should not be given a gun permit — he’s already an exellent shot with his .45, and watch out when he’s sitting by the pool with his pump-action shotgun, picking off pigeons! Our garden has never looked so good, now with so few crows hanging around. Dave is even so helpful as to pick up the crow corpses for us, mounting them with care in the bunker under his pool house.

We almost never fear for our lives when David is at home, which is usually from noon until eight in the morning. There was only one unfortunate incident as a result from David’s taste for liquor and firearms, although in his defense, Buddy did bark a little too much.

David is an excellent conversationalist if you catch him before his fourth glass of gin, which is usually around ten in the morning. If I understood him clearly, he asked for this character reference. I hope this puts him a positive light, one which will help him fill the 17th spot on his gunrack once and forall.

That was fun.